Been feeling a lot overwhelmed lately and like I don't belong in the classroom. Today was a particularly rough day. I have random thoughts come into my head and make it hard for me to believe that I belong in the classroom. Sigh. Kids have also bee off the wall crazy this week with Halloween and all. I tried to keep our "Halloween" related activities to a minimum. I changed books we were reading, found some of my own activities, etc. We did make masks, but that's more for fun. We also did lots with pumpkins, but other than that, I really tried not to do too much.
But I digress, back to the reason I started this post...I'm having a particularly rough year. I know part of it's because I received no training from the district at all. The other part is because I am relying solely on other people to plan lessons and since we aren't really ahead, it makes it hard. They have a curriculum that the school adopted, but other than some of the literature from it and the tests for beginning, middle and the end of the year, it does not get used. I can see why, as the literature parts are great, but the rest is not really easy to use. You can't really take great stories and make a curriculum out of them. So, since we are all "on the same page" or doing the same thing, we meet every Tuesday to plan. I can't possibly get everything I need on my own to make the curriculum work in such a short amount of time, so I just get a few things and "share" with other teachers things that belong to them. It gets old borrowing all the time....really old. I can't afford to buy everything that they have though, so I have no other options.
My aide is great too, but I get the feeling that I am not using her as much as I should be, but there we are back to the no training thing, so I really don't know what I am supposed to be doing. The other teachers always say to let the aide do it. The aide is there to help me in my opinion, not do all my work for me. She does a lot for me, copying, laminating, cutting out, crowd control, etc. I do not feel like adding to her responsibilities is fair.
And my number one source of being overwhelmed right now is the nagging fear in the back of my head related to our past. :-(
I can not get this horrible thought out of my head that I do not belong in the classroom and something terrible is going to come up and I will be fired on the spot and not be allowed to teach ever again. Sigh. It's not a good feeling. I don't know why it keeps coming back, but I've had enough. Just the thoughts put tears in my eyes and that's easy to do lately.
Alright, its bedtime. Will post more tomorrow, but falling asleep here typing. Prayers still very much appreciated. This is hard for me still. Thanks all.
My Colectomy - Day Two
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